In retrospect, I bounced back at near-lightning speed after I found myself alone and at rock bottom no less. Five years I devoted into a relationship to end up with nothing but a multitude of emotions (sure, and lessons) that I had to sort through.
I remember feeling the cold leather on my skin when I laid down on my parents’ couch for the night. There was a momentary separation between the cold temperature of the couch and the chill I felt inside my own skin. I covered myself with a blanket for warmth and prayed. I prayed for the pain to subside even a little because it was paralyzing.
No one survives their first big break up alone. I had a lot of support from my close friends and family but the two who were pretty much glued to me were my girl, Sha (short for Natasha) and an old friend, B (privacy protection).
Prior to that time, I had only touched a cigarette once out of curiosity and choked on the smoke. Sha gave me access to her pack and I chain-smoked about five in a matter of minutes. It numbed the pain and I really needed that. She kept me company, took me out of the condo, kept me up-to-date with the outside world and let me talk my thoughts out which kept my brain from imploding. She helped take my mind off things for a little while and immensely lightened up my mood.
B, however, buckled me down and laid out the realities of the situation point blank. Listening to B made my insides freeze because it meant that I undoubtedly had to dive into the unknown and figure out how to begin putting my life back together.
I was petrified because this was when my insecurities were at their peak. My heart and brain were racing – I mean, HOW was I going to peel myself off the ground after I’ve been so badly beaten? I was so weak, so lost, so foolish.
B told me that the first step in my recovery was to stop distracting myself from the pain. I had to face it, to suffer through it and eventually learn from it. J and I both contributed to the deterioration of the relationship and I was to sift through my memory and figure out HOW.
B warned that if I didn’t build my strength by understanding my pain, I would never heal and J could, at any given time, waltz right back into my life and I would very well let him take advantage of me all over again. Not only that but I would drag my baggage with me and would never be able to be happy with myself or another man ever again.
That scared me more than diving into the unknown. By venturing into the unknown, I had a shot at making a better life for myself and growing into a better person. If I just slapped a band aid on my wounds, I would have sealed my own fate with misery as my sole company forever.
So… day in, day out, I drowned myself in an ocean of memories of my failed relationship. I suppose my unemployment was a blessing in disguise because I had the time to really focus on the mission B assigned to me.
To say it was torture would be an understatement. At first, I couldn’t see the point of revisiting those memories because it only added onto the pain I was already feeling. Nothing was sinking in. I didn’t feel like I was learning anything new.
I cried everyday for a week. I planted myself on my parents’ futon and barely budged from it. The only time I got up was to go to the bathroom or to have a cigarette or two. B, Sha and sometimes, a few of my other friends would visit but when they left, I was alone again with my thoughts. It was supremely unpleasant.
In the meantime, I had to take care of things like the separation of our phone plans and the pick up of my things from J’s parents’ house. There was also the matter of the car we leased. I was the primary and J was the secondary lessee. Our initial verbal agreement was for him to continue using the car and no action will be taken on my end in terms of surrendering the vehicle back to the dealership as long as he made the monthly payments accordingly. I was too tired to fight about that at the time.
I eventually stopped crying and with a ton of guidance from B, I was able to gain a basic understanding of why the relationship fell apart. With that, however, feelings of anger and disappointment surfaced. I was angry and disappointed at myself for not ending the relationship sooner; shoulda, woulda, coulda. Ok, admittedly, I didn’t exactly have well wishes for J either.
However, in the midst of all my emotions, for the first time in a long time, I was certain that everything was exactly how it was suppose to be.
The root of our problem was, I grew up. J didn’t, nor did he want to. Our ideal lifestyles were polar opposites in addition to our polar opposite personalities. The things we had in common began to disappear and we stopped seeing eye-to-eye.
I concluded that he stayed in the relationship out of convenience. Nobody lies to or hurts someone to the extent that J hurt me if they were truly in love with that person. It became clear to me exactly why he stuck around. I voluntarily supplied everything he needed to not only survive without his parents but to be more than comfortable while he did practically nothing in life. He had it made for years. Based on my and B’s combined analysis, it was why it was so easy for J to toss me out like used up garbage when all of my resources were tapped out. He kicked me when I was down as I was of no use to him anymore.
I stayed because yes, I did love him but also because I didn’t want my family to be proven right about J as that would mean I failed. I poured my heart, my resources and my energy into the relationship in hopes of preventing the inevitable: it was destined to come to an end. This, however, only led to having my heart broken every day, which sparked fights way too frequently. I hoped that he would eventually become a better man. That he would one day appreciate everything I had done and would treat me the way I deserved. I was stubborn and a fool.
I permanently embedded this truth into every corner of my brain and my heart. I vowed that I would never make the same mistakes ever again. I finally accepted that the relationship was indeed just a learning experience that I had to go through in order to really learn. As I mentioned in the previous chapter, I had a very strict upbringing so I craved learning about life through experience rather than in theory.
J and I broke up in July of 2009. Early August of the same year, my Mom called me to tell me to prepare for an interview with her company. A few days after my interview, I was offered the position. It felt wonderful, as I knew it was the next step toward building a new life, another chance to make better decisions and an opportunity to take everything I learned and use it as my fuel to succeed. It was time to focus, nurture my talents and chase after my dreams.
I knew I still had to deal with the side effects of everything that happened, mainly my insecurities, but I thanked God that the dunce cap and blindfold were finally off. Just the fact that I came out the other side of what was the most horrible time in my life alive, kicking and blessed was a miracle to me.
I was practically dead in a cold, dark ditch but as grueling as it was, I clawed my way out and came back into the land of the living. I was ready to live again.
Leslyn T. Tungol 